Away From Me
by Yanagi-sen
Summary: Tsuzuki's thoughts on the events and himself during the Kyoto Arc... spoilers *edited*


**_Away from Me_**

By Yanagi-sen

YnM songfic

Usual disclaimers apply.  Entertainment only… we all know the drill.  Song 'Away from Me' is by Evanescence.  Manga translations courtesy of Theria.

Warnings: PG-13, ANGST… spoilers for Kyoto arc, did I mention angst?  (not the torture-the-bishounen type but the self-reflective, self-loathing type)  ^___^  Enjoy!

AN: Understanding will be greatly enhanced if you have seen the Kyoto Arc or the manga for that time.  If you have no knowledge of the events taking place, you will most likely be very confused.  Oh and POV is probably confusing as well… blame my muse.  SHE wanted to write it this way… but basically the storyteller is Tsuzuki (even though it's 3rd person)

**_~I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll~_**

That first instant… when he got close enough to see what was happening… his brain refused for the barest of moments to comprehend what he was seeing.  It was an attempt to protect himself, but then the other side of his mind… the one that was determined to do his job no matter what the cost… that side interfered and he realized what he was seeing.  The other girl screaming… Muraki watching in glee… the demon birds… and the poor soul they were tearing apart.

He just locked up in that moment… He'd seen some pretty awful stuff in his tenure as a shinigami… but the absolutely unholy pleasure the sinister man took from the act.  The knowledge that this 'doctor' was responsible for so much suffering and pain… for so much death… for everything that haunted his partner… it crashed in on him and rendered him powerless.

If not for the intervention of Tatsumi… he had no doubts Muraki would have been able to kill the other child as well.  He would have simply been frozen there… unable to move… unable to even defend himself let alone protect the girl.  But Tatsumi DID come… he saved Mariko… he saved them both… and had taken him to a good hotel… tucked him into a bed, even put up with his crying on the man.

****

**_~I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds~_**

How long had he hidden behind the façade of the sweet-loving, irresponsible one?  How long had he been here?

The years… the deaths… the emotional cost of everything that had happened and everything he did as a shinigami was finally catching up with him.  One by one those memories had been dropped into the well… till finally there was no room left and the water was poisoned.  He was so fragile right then, he felt as if the slightest thing would snap the tenuous grasp he had on his sanity.  But there was no time to worry about him… there never was… There was Muraki to deal with.  Hisoka to protect.  Tatsumi and Watari to repay for everything they had done.  There were so many expectations and so much pressure… around and on him.

And he wasn't sure he could stand against it anymore…

****

**_~But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to_**

**_Lost all faith in the things I have achieved~_**

How cruel… to be told by everyone he cared about that he was human… and then to have Muraki throw the truth in his face.  But what was the truth?  He didn't really know.  No one seemed to know… except perhaps Enma Daioh… and that was one entity he definitely didn't want to cross.

What was he?

Was Muraki right?  Was he not fully human?  What kind of a monster was he?  Damned from his very birth… cast out into a world that was harsh and cruel.  It wasn't until after his death that he found happiness… and even then there was always another case, more guilt, more mistakes, more hurting everyone he cared for… on and on and on… until…

What?

What was there for one who was unchanging, undying, uncertain of even what he was, let alone where he was going?  

Nothing… that's what was waiting for him… nothing.

****

**_~And I_**

**_I've woken now to find myself_**

**_In the shadows of all I have created~_**

He supposed it could be explained away by the sake…

Either that or he was going insane, which wasn't as improbable as others might think.

Running out into the cold… the self mutilation.  He wished he hadn't done that in front of Hisoka.  How awful it must have been for the boy… to see his partner like that.  This case was hard enough on the kid with M… Muraki involved.  Then to have to watch him trying to eradicate that which made him look different.  He supposed he shouldn't be overly surprised that the eyes were what he tried to destroy.  The source of so much ridicule and pain… those orbs of amethyst.

_"That is a color that is definitely not a human eye color."_

How often had he heard that?…

_"Tsuzuki-san,... are you... truly 'human'?"_

Would Muraki believe him if he said he didn't know?…

****

**_~I'm longing to be lost in you_**

**_(away from this place I have made)_**

**_Won't you take me away from me~_**

And yet… Hisoka keeps saying he's human.  How can he know?  Do demons 'feel' different to him?  Or is he just trying to convince himself?  Who would want a part-demon for a partner anyway?  Maybe Hisoka's just saying that so that HE doesn't have to think about it.

But he still took some small comfort in the boy's words.  Hisoka has stuck around the longest.  He was sure the kid would have grown tired of always trying to deal with him by now and either gotten a change of partners or moved on.  Why hadn't the blond moved on yet?  Wouldn't he be happier?  Hadn't he earned his time in paradise?  That time all souls get, to rest before going around on the wheel again?  Or had this life been so traumatic that he wasn't ready to chance the next one yet?

Whatever the reason… the boy stayed with him.  And it helped…

****

**_~Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins~_**

How could we have let this happen?  That monster… Muraki… how could we let that monster taint this poor innocent girl?  

He couldn't help himself.  In many ways, his actions are simply reflex… so many years of battling demons and evil creatures… he's killed her before he even realizes he's doing it.  And yet… a part of him is very aware.. Aware that ultimately it was him who killed Mariko.  Sure… a part of her has been dead ever since Muraki did whatever he did… but some of her was still there… some of her soul was still pure… and that purity washed out with her lifeblood to coat his hands…

Abomination.  That's what he was… what did it matter what happened anymore?…  He could hear the others shouting at him… Looked up to see the great phoenix hovering… like a mother bird over her nest.

Oh, Suzaku… neechan… I'm not worthy… you and the others… find a new master… I'm not worthy…

****

**_~I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed_**

**_I can't go on like this_**

**_I loathe all I've become~_**

Is he right… this child he'd found wandering in his own mind?  Was he merely a murderer… killing all those countless others so he would survive?  Was it necessary?  Was it just?  He couldn't say… except that the weight of all that death… of all those killings...

It pressed down on him, stifling… smothering… 

Why should he be the one who lived on?  Did the others not have a right to live as well?  Were they not more worthy of life than some freakish half-human with amethyst eyes?

He took a long look inside… and couldn't stand what he saw.

****

**_~I've woken now to find myself_**

**_In the shadows of all I have created~_**

There was one act… one life he could take that he could be sure would benefit countless others.  It was with that in mind that he woke… woke and saw the knife… then the man in white…

The demon in doctor's clothing turned as he approached… a look of surprise on his face… then the knife slid into the man's body… so easily, so effortlessly, it was so simple to kill.  "Wh...at...?"  Muraki seems… stunned in a way.  He supposed the man hadn't expected him to get up… thought he would simply lie there and let the doctor do what he wished with his body… he had more fortitude than that.  He wouldn't allow  himself to be degraded that way.  He may be tainted… but he wouldn't let Muraki sully him further.

****

**_~I'm longing to be lost in you_**

**_(away from this place I have made)_**

**_Won't you take me away from me~_**

"Tsuzuki-sa..."

Odd… the man looks almost pleased.  Perhaps Muraki hated his life as much as he did… the knife came out of the body as easily as it had gone in.  Blood… the very essence of life... burst forth, painting him with its vibrancy…  It felt hot on his face… but cooled quickly…

"Uh..."

"Wasn't it written in your grandfather's notes? Muraki------...That I... Very rarely...for short periods of time, returned to sanity..."

Muraki doesn't get it… this isn't a 'lover's suicide'… this is justice… The doctor's death is justice for all his victims… justice for Hisoka.  Death… would be justice for all the hurt and pain the 'doctor' has and would have caused.  

And now… He was tired.  It was time.

****

**_~Lost in a dying world I reach for something more_**

**_I have grown so weary of this lie I live~_**

"Heat waves hotter than black flames…Become a celestial snake, grant dancing descendance… Come forth!!  Touda!!!"

It's beautiful… the fire… Fire is such a curious element.  Without it… there is no life.  Without the fire, the warmth of the sun, life on this planet wouldn't exist.  We use it to warm our bodies, to cook our food, to light our way… It heats the water we are washed with at our birth… and consumes our lifeless bodies when we die.  It creates… and destroys.  It can consume without regard to station or class, it doesn't care about nationality or religion or color… It just is.  And in spite of the pain… in spite of the danger… we are captivated by it.  We stare at fire, hypnotized… if you let it, it will speak to you… and we yearn to reach out… to touch it… 

"…is this alright, Tsuzuki....? My black flames of hell are the malicious fires that can destroy even your body... Like a double-edged sword.....is that not why you have avoided calling upon me....?"

"…it's alright, Touda...You are the only one I can ask this of... Suzaku-neechan and the others swore by the contract... to rescue me from anything didn't they... But I... no longer want to be saved."

He was tired…  It was time…

"Please tell Sohryu and everyone...  That this was... my desire..."

****

**_~I've woken now to find myself_**

**_In the shadows of all I have created~_**

I'm sorry…

It seems so inadequate… as the flames build, dancing… a ballet of light and heat… 

I'm sorry…

So much to be sorry for in this pathetic existence of mine…  "…burn me more, Touda... Everything... reduce it to ashes…"  Maybe then… maybe then I can be forgiven…

"Tsuzuki!!!"

No… not him… damn it Tatsumi… how could you let him come for me?… I'm not worth it, Hisoka… I'm not worth saving… "I...just want to die now... It's enough, Hisoka... I've lived for far too long...  I'm.... tired...."  Tired of this unending life… this unending death… just let me be… save yourself… and just let it be…  He was so shocked when Hisoka finally made his way to his side and then flung his arms around him.  In the entire time that he'd known the boy… he'd never instigated contact.  He had accepted it a couple of times… but never reached out.  Why now?  It was too late…

"I'm not going back...!! I...don't want to be....alone..."

He couldn't leave Hisoka alone…

"I decided a long time ago.....that my place to return to is here...."

Oh Hisoka… why?  Why now… why not before?  I'll stay… for you… only for you… I'll stay… even if it's only until we are consumed by Touda's flames… I'll be here for you…

Darkness… like a living thing… came up to cover them…

****

**_~I'm longing to be lost in you_**

**_(away from this place I have made)_**

**_Won't you take me away from me~_**

-Owari-

Well… damn that turned out to be a lot more angsty than I intended.  I took a look at the opening lines of the song and thought… ooooh… let's delve into Tsuzuki… I should have known better.  Tsu-chan… I love him… but he's got some MAJOR issues just bubbling under the surface.  I had thought to do a sequel to 'Everything You Want'… this ended up being something of a prequel… I guess… sort of… not bad for two hours of work.  ^_~


End file.
